A candle of hope

By Debra Minor Wilson
Times West Virginian

FAIRMONT October 11, 2008 07:59 pm

— Why should you care about domestic abuse?
The next victim could be a family member, a friend, a co-worker, the person standing next to you at the store.
It could be you.
During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the staff at HOPE Inc. Task Force on Domestic Violence want to educate people about the problem.
“We try to champion the needs for safety for victims of domestic violence and bring about awareness so other people will know how widespread the problem is,” said Harriet Sutton, executive director of HOPE.
The agency is hosting several community education events this month “to remember people who have lost their lives — and there have been more than few in West Virginia — and also to recognize those who have gotten out of the situation.
“The statistics are pretty unpredictable. We used to say, because the FBI said, that one out of two marriages includes at least one incident of violence. I think it’s really one out of three, but I don’t think they really know because people don’t report it.
“Abuse doesn’t have to be physical, but it’s really hard to get legal assistance unless it is. It’s not supposed to be. The law includes mental abuse, but that’s hard to prove.”
If you’ve driven past the Marion County Courthouse, you’ve probably noticed the large purple banner proclaiming October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Other events are planned as well.
• The annual candlelight service will take place at 7 p.m. Tuesday at the front entrance to the education building at Fairmont State.
“It’s to bring awareness to this issue in the community and to remember victims past and honor survivors,” said Kylie Evans, children’s case manager.
The program will include Tiffany Samuels, executive director of the United Way of Marion County. Jenifer Stafford, Fairmont State student, will sing.
This year’s service will be poignant, Sutton said.
“The person who started the whole candlelight thing, Sandy Burns — she’s been to every single service — has moved where one of her sons lives.
“I’ll miss her being here. When I think of the candlelight service, I think of Sandy. We would not be having it if she hadn’t come to me and said she wanted to do this. She took care of it all.”
• The Clothes Line Project will be on display from 9 a.m.-3 p.m. Tuesday at “Main Street” in the Falcon Center.
“This is a very unique way to bring awareness to the issue,” she said. “Survivors from all over the country have decorated T-shirts to express themselves and their stories.”
The project began in 1990 on Cape Cod, Mass, to address the issue of violence against women. It is a vehicle for women affected by violence to express their emotions by decorating a shirt. They then hang the shirt on a clothes line to be viewed by others as testimony to the problem of violence against women.
“We’ll also have information about HOPE so people cam become aware of the problem and see how they can help,” Evans said.
• A volunteer training will be held from 5:30-7:30 p.m. Monday, Oct. 27. Call HOPE at 367-1100 for more information.
“We’re finding that for whatever reason, our volunteers are dropping off,” Sutton said. “We don’t have the volunteers we had in the past. We’ve not had that need for a while.
“There is a real need now for people to answer our 24-hour hotline. You can even do this from home.”
Volunteers may also help with other programs, Evans said, such as the monthly children’s program.
• As one of 14 member agencies of the West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence, HOPE is also conducting another unique campaign throughout October.
It is offering free purple window lights, similar to Christmas lights, for businesses and individuals to burn in honor of survivors and in memory of victims. Call 367-1100 for more information.
“These are all ways to promote awareness,” Sutton said.
“Why should you care? My own gut feeling about this is it could be a part of your own family. It could be my daughter, a sister... It could have been my mother. Anybody in your family or someone you know and love.
“People don’t tell. They don’t talk about it. It’s embarrassing.
“There is no way to predict” who will be an abuser, she said.
“There are indications and all that, but you don’t know for sure until it really happens. It doesn’t usually happen with the first date.
“It doesn’t even happen (early on) in marriages. It’s a lurking thing back in the shadows. You can have an idea about issues of control. But you never know.
“You should care because people die. It’s a life-and-death kind of thing. Way back, in the ‘older days’ of Marion County, if you recall, a woman was killed right in front of the city police station.
“When we talk to law enforcement officers in this county, most of them have heard about that. And most will say (domestic violence) is a serious thing.
“The impact this made on Fairmont at that was huge. It just shows how random domestic violence can be, how ugly it can be.
“How, sometimes, there’s nothing you can do about it.
“But we’re hoping the way we can do something about it is through awareness, making people think about it.
“The laws have changed definitely but they’re still unpredictable, still hard to enforce. No matter what we do, the woman is truly on her own.”
If you’re in an abusive relationship and believe your life is in danger, get out, she said.
“The first thing, if you feel that you’re in that kind of danger, is to go to the safest place you can find, which is probably the police station.
“Here, if we really think someone is in a life-or-death situation, we call the police.”
She said a lot of women may not leave their abusers because they think the situation will get better. That’s a mistake, she said.
“It will not get better unless there is intervention of some sort. We see at HOPE that it sometimes takes a woman two or three times to get out.
“And by the time they get here, they may have been abused sometimes for years. Many elderly woman come in who have endured this kind of situation for years and years and years, until they just for whatever reason, they get out.
“I don’t know how you can ever be sure” if someone will become an abuser. “Is it how they act now?
“You don’t know if someone is being abused. They’re not going to tell you. They’re embarrassed, horrified and terrified. This is not something people share or talk about.”
HOPE staff “are always happy to speak to professional groups and educational program on HOPE services, or on domestic violence,” Evans said.
HOPE is a member of the United Way of Marion County.
E-mail Debra Minor Wilson at dwilson@timeswv.com.

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