Published: November 23, 2008 01:59 am            

Being a foster family is good for the heart

FAIRMONT — If you had the chance to give someone a new life, you would.

Just like David and Kathy Yost have done.

In addition to their two biological children, Rebecca and Michael (who was born with special needs), they have taken in four foster chldren, two of whom they have already adopted and two they are in the process of adopting.

This is all a way for Kathy to break the cycle of abuse she’d endured as a child living outside Baltimore. They married in 1987 and moved to Fairmont in 1989 to be near his family.

“We didn’t want to raise a family out there,” she said.

As their children grew older, the house became more quiet. Too quiet. Hesitant to have more biological children, they decided to become foster parents.

“After our experiences advocating for Michael and with Kathy’s background in abuse, it seemed a perfect fit,” he said. They decided to offer their home to older siblings.

“They’re almost unadoptable, because everybody wants a baby,” he said. “A lot of people don’t want the baggage and attitude of older children. But we thought we could handle it.”

“Being as dysfunctional as my family was, I wanted to help somebody else have a normal life,” Kathy said.

Just around Thanksgiving 2000, Tina and Robert, then 11 and 5, entered their lives as foster children. The Yosts adopted them on Aug. 12, 2003.

The siblings had been bumped from foster home to foster home, their last foster family even promising to adopt them ... only to tell them on the way back from the beach they were going back to foster care.

“The state was moving to have them split apart,” David said. “We took them in and said, ‘No, that’s not gonna happen.’

“Michael taught us you don’t pick your kids. They are what they are. And we decided to accept Tina and Robert the same way.

“They needed permanency. They’d had so many broken promises.”

No surprise that the two saw a beach vacation with the Yosts as just another trip with yet another family tossing them empty promises of adoption.

“Halfway through the beach week Robert said, ‘When we get back home, who are we gonna live with now?’

“They thought we were just another step in the chain of foster homes they'd been in. You couldn’t really blame them,” David said.

“People pick things over their own kids,” Kathy said. “Drugs, alcohol, whatever. They lose any sense of value, all sense of hope, and they give up their kids just like a rag doll. Robert and Tina didn't know where they stood in life. Now they’ve come a long way.”

To make a totally clean break, the night before the adoption, the brother and sister decided to change their names to Tina and Robert.

In March of this year, the Yosts took in two sisters (now 9 and 10) as a respite service, providing a break to another foster family.

“They stayed for 10 days and fit right in. We fell in love with them right off the bat,” David said.

“Can we adopt you?” the Yosts asked the little girls.

David said, “They looked at each other and said ‘YES!’”

That process is ongoing right now.

“The older girl is very good with Michael. We could tell she has a heart. And when they have a good heart, you can work with that.”

The younger one is a good student, while her sister is still struggling a bit.

“When you’re put in that situation, your whole life is turned upside down,” Kathy said. “You don’t care about grades ... just eating or shelter. So many people think children can’t be abused like that. Yeah, they can.”

“It happens every day in our community right under your nose,” David said.

“Most of the cases we’ve been experienced with are of substance abuse, which literally takes the soul of the parent and everything along with that.”

Two more kids? No problem, he said.

“You become a team. And you add members to make your team good.”

“I just had a good feeling,” Kathy said. “They just fit. They made me laugh. It’s usually hard to get that close and connect, and they’re trying to connect that early.”

But it’s not without challenges and struggles, as behavior and attitude problems are overcome.

“It’s hard,” David said. “There’s no denying. But it’s something that everybody has to learn.”

“Sometimes I wake up and say, ‘Oh, my gosh,’” Kathy said. “But all in all, the joys outweigh the negatives.”

Such as seeing them blossom into happy, social members of society. Helping them learning to trust. Breaking the cycle of abuse.

“They built up a wall around them and didn’t let anybody in,” Kathy said. “But if you keep chiseling at that wall, it breaks eventually ... or you break sometimes.” She laughs. “Really, it’s rewarding.”

“You have to like what you put into it,” David said. “And every one of these kids has given something back.

“We teach them that everything in their lives will be as a result of the choices they make.”

Tina wants to see her birth mother, which she can’t do until Robert is 18. But the Yosts will be with her if she still wants to do this.

“It’s hard to prepare her for what she may find that she has no recollection of,” David said.

A long time ago Kathy healed the scars left by her traumatic childhood.

“I had to let go. I was tired of dwelling on things. But this does cause depression in children. They may need a lot of therapy. And you have to be willing to do this.”

Children may also act out events from their previous lives.

“This can shock you, if you’re not prepared for it,” David said. “You can see some things you’d rather not see. You have to deal with that appropriately and very carefully not to do more damage.

“But my biggest joy is when I sit there at evening, when I come home from work,” he said. He tears up and has to stop.

For Kathy, the biggest joy is simple.

“It’s breaking the cycle of abuse. If everybody in this country would take one child, we would have them laughing and happy and learning ... and living.”

Only one thing is stopping them from taking in more fosters right now: The state says foster families can’t have more than six children (including biological) under age 18 in the house at the same time.

But Rebecca and Tina are in their latter teens, so room may be opening up for more fosters. Whether they’re adopted “just falls into our laps,” Kathy said. “It’s not something we plan on.”

One thing does bother her.

“It’s amazing how mean children are about foster and adopted children. It’s like they’re at the lower end of the totem.”

Rebecca visits elementary schools to talk about fostering and adoption to help prevent what David calls “the ignorance and lack of understanding” about foster care.

A lot of people go into fostering with romantic ideas of saving unwanted children from a life of neglect and abuse.

“It’s an extensive process,” said Whitney Chambers, home finder for Try-Again Homes Inc., one that involves background checks and training classes to be approved.

“We have three new families, but we’re always looking for families,” she said.

“Some families come just to foster. Others come with the sole interest of adopting. Most people want the little ones with no special needs, but those are hard to find.

“I am open about the whole process. If it fits their lives, do it. But I don’t paint a rosy picture. They have to be realistic.”

Foster parents must be between the ages of 18 and 65, have adequate living space for the children and the means to provide care.

“There are about 500 children needing foster care in Marion County alone. There is a need.”

According to www.nationaladoptionday.org, there are about 510,000 children in foster care in the United States with more than 20,000 waiting to be adopted. Nineteen percent will spend five years or more waiting for adoption.

While 51,000 will be adopted, more than 26,000 children will reach age 18 without ever finding a “forever family.”

“So often I’m asked, how can we do this? They’re not our blood,” David said. “I say, ‘Well, I didn’t marry my sister!’” He laughed. “It’s the same thing. It gets in your blood. It truly does.”

Foster families receive from $21-$25 a day per foster child, along with state medical cards and clothing vouchers. The state also provides an adoption subsidy.

The money doesn’t matter to the Yosts. Giving a good home does.

“They come from such environments, it tears your heart out,” David said.

The ultimate goal of foster care is to put families back together, he added.

“And that’s awesome. How much bigger of a difference can you make in someone’s life than that?”

“It’s good for your heart,” Kathy said. “To know you’re giving them a piece of yourself to have a good, stable home. And to let them envision the future where they can do it, too, if they have the willpower and strength.”

“I’ve had no regret whatsoever. It’s the best thing we’ve ever done,” David said.

E-mail Debra Minor Wilson at dwilson@timeswv.com.

        

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