Published: May 14, 2008 06:56 pm            

‘Speed Racer’ spins its cinematic wheels

I’m no “Speed Racer” purist. By that, I mean I don’t hold it up there with Spidey or Indy or anything like that. What I do remember from the cartoon is that the dialogue was laughable. So when I heard the guys behind “Matrix” were reinventing it, I thought, “Who else better?”

I was off.

The premise is simple: Speed Racer (Emile Hirsch) is a kid who can really put the pedal to the medal, brother. I’m talkin’ “a demon on wheels!” There are always people trying to wreck him or whatever. Then there’s Racer X, a mysterious dude who may or may not be Speed’s brother.

Honestly, that’s all you need to know.

You remember “Tron”? I kept thinking the new “Speed” was “Tron” with better effects. It had a hyper-feel, like ... all the colors all at once all in your face. I’m sure the gaming industry is licking its chops, but on screen, we need more than Grand Turismo on crack. We need plot. Everyone together now: “We need PLOT!” Thank you

very much.

The DL: To be honest with you, “Speed Racer” wasn’t very good. My main beef was if the Wachowski Bros. would’ve used actual cars with actual stuntmen doing actual driving (like in Tarantino’s “Deathproof”), I would’ve been impressed. The acting and the dialogue were fine; it was the look of the film I didn’t dig. This much was true: All the actors looked exactly like their cartoon counterparts.

The standout, to me, was Matthew Fox as the totally ninja Racer X. Perhaps I’m just too big a “Lost” fan, but Jack was the bomb in “Speed Racer”! Speaking of the Greatest Show Ever: What’s Claire doing in The Cabin? Discuss.

To the Parents: All systems go ...

But here’s another thing. Speed Racer was supposed to be a “family film” (funny when you consider the usually controversial Wachowski Bros.), but I thought there were too many dry spells for kids. One hundred thirty-five minutes is a long race with or without a monkey.

The Rating: If movies were popping wheelies, “Speed Racer” would be one that you pulled too far and wrecked.

At Home: del Toro’s “The Orphanage.” Scary. Yet, it may make you cry. I did. No, I didn’t. OK, I did.

        

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